Category Archives: SPIRIT

Six themes for a very important letter to a very important person

There have certainly been times in my life when I’ve felt stuck. Trapped, even.

Now and then it has felt that no matter what I did, I couldn’t change things, which was both frustrating and demoralising.

However, it invariably helps to remind myself that even when I believe I can’t change situations, I do always have a real choice about how I think about them.

The American author and radio host Earl Nightingale summed up this concept nicely: “Control your thoughts. Decide about that which you will think and concentrate upon. You are you are in charge of your life to the degree to which you take charge of your thoughts.”

Having a sense of control and autonomy over your own life is one of six fundamental factors driving your psychological well-being, represented by Independence, the first “I” in our SPIRIT model.

So allow me, if you will, to propose a brief exercise that may help when you’re next feeling a lack of this.

Set aside 15 minutes, and not a second more, to write yourself a letter about a situation you’re unhappy about.

The twist is that you’ll get to choose one of six ways to “frame” this note. And you have complete freedom to select which you use.

When you write, do so in the second person, talking to yourself as *you*, imagining you’re writing a letter to a very dear friend.

For example, “I totally understand the way *you’re* feeling…”

Remember, it’s your choice which angle you’ll take. Here they are, then:

1. FORGIVENESS e.g. “You feel guilty about this thing, but I want you to know that I completely forgive you.”

2. CURIOSITY e.g. “I’m genuinely interested in better understanding why you’re thinking this way.”

3. COMPASSION e.g. “I just want you to know how very sorry I am that you’re feeling the way you do.”

4. SOLIDARITY e.g. “I totally stand with you on this. The way you acted/thought was and is entirely justified.”

5. ACCEPTANCE e.g. “Let’s agree to accept what’s happened (or is happening) and aim to move on.”

6. AMUSEMENT e.g. “Just for a minute, why don’t we look at the funny side of what’s happened, even if it is bittersweet?”

When you write, aim to do so in a continuous flow, paying no attention to grammar or spelling. Simply pour your heart into a 15 minute letter to yourself, but with unceasing reference to the theme you chose.

Although a quarter of an hour really isn’t a long time, you should find this to be a powerful mood nudger.

Once you’ve experimented with deliberately choosing the theme of your letter, a twist on the technique (for another occasion, perhaps) is to throw a dice to randomly select one of the six. This, too, can work.

Through it all, however, the real value is in remembering that you truly do have a choice about how you think.

In the words of Pink Floyd, we don’t need no thought control.

And nobody can take this away from us, thank goodness.

Could your life have a Michelangelo-grade sense of purpose?

Early on this very morning (September 13th) 517 years ago, Michelangelo began chipping away at a block of marble, more than 17 feet tall.

Just under three years later, it had been turned into the work of art most regard as Michelangelo’s masterpiece: his statue of David immediately before his battle with Goliath.

To have turned over six tons of marble into one of the world’s most iconic sculptures in only 33 months, Michelangelo was clearly a man with a mission, living a life of true purpose.

However, rather than Michelangelo finding this sense of purpose himself in 1501, it’s more the case that the purpose found him.

You see, for the whole of the artist’s 26-year life, that marble block had been more or less abandoned in the yard of the cathedral workshop in Florence.

In fact, the sculptor Agostino had actually started rudimentary work, later abandoned, on the stone eleven years before Michelangelo was even born.

I wonder. Do you feel your own life has a sense of purpose?

Of course, it doesn’t need to be one with the monumental scale of Michelangelo’s.

But having something to live for—that gives your life meaning—is an incredibly potent force.

In fact, a recent report in the New Scientist suggests that a sense of purpose “helps prevent heart attack and stroke, staves off dementia, enables people to sleep better, have better sex, and live longer.”

Seriously, what’s not to like about that?

Of course, there are likely to be times in your life, as there have been in mine, when life’s purposefulness may seem wanting.

However, while there might not be a six ton block of marble waiting with your name on it, I firmly believe that looking around you can reveal opportunities for you to make a difference – to carve out your own meaning.

Keep your eyes, ears, and mind open for worthwhile causes or projects.

Perhaps they will involve connection to another person, or to a group.

They might even entail caring for a garden, riverbank bank, or urban environment.

The thing is, you don’t need to start big.

Putting a toe in the water can make a lot of sense.

So, on Michelangelo’s timescale, what could you start today that might bear fruit in, say, 33 months?

That would be June 2021, not that far away actually.

Why not celebrate Michelangelo today, then, and look around you for your own version of his marble block?

Address your weaknesses by thinking like a mirror

If you take a selfie, have you noticed that your phone plays a trick on you?

When you use its front-facing camera, the image on the phone’s screen is flipped, as it would be if you see your reflection in a mirror.

Click the button to take a photo, though, and the image stored by the camera is generally unmirrored.

Sometimes people feel dissatisfied with photos of themselves, especially if selfie-taking is a somewhat infrequent activity. It turns out that this is partly because we often unconsciously favour self-images that have been flipped, mirror-like.

In 1977, long before the invention of smartphones, researchers at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, demonstrated this in a fascinating experiment.

They asked participants to choose their favourite photo when presented with both their true image and their mirror image.

The majority chose the mirror image, even though they claimed they did so because the lighting was better or it was a more flattering angle.

Most simply didn’t realise that one image had been flipped.

Another intriguing aspect of the research was that participants’ romantic partners tended to favour the unflipped images.

Of course, at the heart of this is that people prefer pictures that match up to what they see most frequently.

We see ourselves in the mirror all the time when we brush teeth, put on make-up, or shave. So that’s the picture we carry.

However, we tend to see people we’re close to face-to-face, not in the mirror, therefore favouring unflipped images.

By the way, when Snapchat launched in 2011 (from a Stanford dorm room a few hundred yards from where I’m sitting) its founders capitalised on people’s love for their mirror image by not unflipping selfies when they were recorded. Interesting.

Incidentally, experts on selfie-taking suggest that a way to free yourself from preferring mirror images is simply to take plenty of selfies, so your brain gets used to true images.

So now you have an excuse.

Actually, though, my real mission in writing about mirror-image preference today is to get us thinking about the mental pictures we form of ourselves.

I’m well aware, perhaps you are too, that the self-image I carry in my head can bear little resemblance to the picture others have of me.

And I think this can be challenging, because self-acceptance is a key plank in our psychological well-being, and all too often we can be overly hard on ourselves when it comes to what we might view as our weaknesses.

Maybe, though, it’s possible to use the analogy of a mirror in order to reframe weaknesses?

Let’s see if I can demonstrate what I mean by revealing three of what I perceive to be my own shortcomings.

Off the top of my head, then, here are three (of rather too many):

1. Work-wise, I worry that I spread myself across too many different projects.

2. I don’t think I’m sufficiently motivated by making money.

3. I sometimes believe I fail to socialise enough with new people.

Let’s now, though, apply a mirror to those three issues:

1. By working on a wide range of ideas and projects, I’m able to apply learning from one area into another.

2. If I was ruthlessly and solely driven by earning money, I’d lose the undoubted joy of working on Moodnudges, which of course leads to my relationship with you.

3. Avoiding parties doesn’t mean I dislike the company of other people, far from it. But by focusing my attention on a smaller number of people, I believe I to get to know them, and care for them, in a deeper way.

Suddenly those weaknesses sound a little better, don’t they?

Of course this approach to self-acceptance shouldn’t prevent me, rightly, thinking about ways in which I could work on these weaknesses.

There would be nothing wrong, for example, in ensuring that I don’t take on so many projects that I lose focus. Perhaps one or two could go on the backburner.

A little (but just a little) more concentration on money matters might be no bad thing.

And, occasionally, it might do me good to step out of my comfort zone to meet new people.

What’s most important, however, is to gracefully accept that – like all people – I have my weaknesses.

It’s just that they may not be quite as destructive as they could appear to me at first glance.

Why not consider applying this mirror technique to what you believe may be your own weaknesses (whether or not others would agree)?

Remember, you’re looking for the positive, flipside of qualities you might wish you didn’t have.

If you try it and reach helpful conclusions, I know I’d love to hear about them, as I’m sure would our other readers.

Lessons in change, from the dead plant that wasn’t

After a full month away from home in July while I house-sat for a friend, I guess it wasn’t entirely surprising that the little sage plant outside my front door finally decided to call it a day.

When I left, it had been greenly abundant, but when I returned it was little more than a few scant twigs poking up from the wooden box of soil in which it had eked out its existence.

With nobody to water it, there was little hope of it surviving.

Or so you might think.

You see, I decided to not give up on that little plant.

As you can tell by me leaving a plant to fend for itself in the hot California sun for a month, I’m really not much of a gardener.

However, my instincts told me that, just maybe, a rescue mission might be possible.

Bending the plant’s dry stalks, I snapped off those that appeared dried out beyond repair, clearing the box so its only inhabitant was the stumpy little sage plant.

I then started watering it every day.

Not too much, but daily, like clockwork.

As you might expect, for several days nothing happened at all, beyond the soil starting to take on a healthier dark colour, in contrast to its former pallid ash-like appearance.

But then, miracle of miracles, after a week of watering, the tiniest, weeniest green leaves started sprouting from what had looked like a completely dead stem.

Another few days later, those microscopic leaves had grown, and had been joined by others.

While bringing the sage plant back to life feels like a genuine small win, perhaps the greatest value of this little experience has been to remind me of four important steps that enable transformation of some kind to happen.

I’m pretty sure that this can apply to people like you and me, just as well as it does to sage plants.

First, there needed it to be hope.

If I’d believed I’d be wasting my time on the plant, I wouldn’t have begun its attempted rejuvenation.

Equally, if you want to experience a change of some kind in yourself, it seems important to believe that change is indeed possible.

The second step involved clearing away the dead growth.

Perhaps the parallel for us as humans is that we should do our level best to repress the negative thoughts that threaten to interfere with the change we desire.

Being aware of them is a good start. Saying no to them may be hard, but it’s not impossible.

Step three in Operation Sage involved consistently watering every day.

Human change demands much the same, I think.

Creating a new habit, for example, means doing something every day, showing determined persistence.

The final piece of the jigsaw with the sage bush was to be patient, not expecting to see immediate results.

I’m sure this is equally true when we want to experience some kind of change in our own lives.

Since it’s probably not going to happen overnight, it’s sensible to allow things to take their own due time.

What worked for the plant may also be a good approach for you and me, therefore:

1. Have hope.

2. Clear the way for change.

3. Be persistent.

4. Have patience.

Perhaps these four steps will prompt you to consider a transformation of your own?

Whatever happens, though, I’m happy to credit my plucky little plant for its, well, sage advice.

Reach out and touch someone.

Of course, there was no way it could have actually been a crime scene, but I certainly did a double-take as I walked across the Stanford campus just now.

For there, on the asphalt, were two life-size chalked human outlines, and although it was hard for me to tell if they’d been drawn around real people, they certainly had a kind of CSI look about them.

The outlines were positioned more or less head-to-head, but what particularly drew me to them was that the two individuals’ hands overlapped each other’s, giving the effect of them holding hands.

Just to avoid any misinterpretation, the artist had added a little heart and the initials “M+I.”

If you come across something like this, it’s no accident that you could use the word “touching” to describe it. Touch can be such an important part of our interconnections with others.

Although I guess that’s obvious in intimate relationships, that’s not the path I’m taking today.

No, I’m thinking more about small physical contacts that can gently enrich our connections with others.

Before we go anywhere, let’s acknowledge that some people definitely don’t enjoy any kind of touch, especially from anyone they don’t know well, so it’s important to be super-mindful of not offending or upsetting others by crossing their boundaries.

If you’re not sure exactly where those boundaries are drawn, it’s generally better to err on the side of caution. Although it might be tempting (you never know), probably best to avoid a full-on hug with the driver as you board the Number 27, for example.

But having said this, touch is such a powerful phenomenon.

It was, after all, the very first sense you acquired as a baby.

No wonder it has such strong associations, then. And it may help to explain why different kinds of touch can convey different kinds of emotions.

In 2009, psychologist Matthew Hertenstein ran an experiment in which volunteers were asked to communicate a list of eight emotions to a blindfolded stranger, solely using touch.

So, when prompted to communicate either anger, fear, disgust, love, gratitude, sympathy, happiness, or sadness, how did the volunteers do?

Remarkably, accuracy rates were as high as 78%, demonstrating that a simple touch can say a heck of a lot.

Another experiment in 1976 involved university librarians returning library cards either with or without briefly touching the student’s hand.

When interviewed shortly afterwards, students who’d been touched rated both librarian and library more favourably, even when they hadn’t noticed the touch.

Although – as we’ve said – some people dislike being touched, the right kind of contact can be welcome for many.

And it’s one of those areas of life where it doesn’t seem to matter who goes first.

Dr Tiffany Field, Director of the awesome-sounding Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine explains that a person giving a hug gets just as much benefit as the person being hugged.

What’s more, when there’s nobody within touching distance, experts say even self-touch can be a powerful calming mechanism.

Hugging yourself, massaging your forehead, rubbing your hands together, stroking your neck, can all feel good. In fact these kinds of self-soothing behaviours have been shown to slow heart rate and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Please keep other people’s boundaries in mind, of course, but maybe you’ll find opportunities in the next couple of days to add depth to your connections with others through the often-neglected power of touch?

It certainly appears to be working for M and I.

That’s “M+I,” of course. Not M and me.

What really stops you being on top of some things?

The people who really know about these things are pretty united in agreeing that what I call resourcefulness is one of six key strengths that can keep you and me psychologically strong.

More scientifically, psychologists label it “environmental mastery,” describing it as having the competence to meet the needs of your situation.

I do rather like the alternative term resourcefulness, however – defined in my dictionary as “the ability to find … ways to overcome difficulties.”

The phrase environmental mastery feels less clear to me.

For some reason I can’t help thinking of someone doing a rain dance or having the ability to put the brakes on global warming.

When I reflect on my own resourcefulness, I sense that I’m strong in some areas, but decidedly weaker in others.

Perhaps you’ll have a similar view of your own abilities?

Allow me to describe a couple of examples from my own experience, so you can see where I’m coming from.

Let’s begin with something I’m good at. Grocery shopping rarely seems a problem for me.

Although I couldn’t exactly rustle up a four-course dinner at the drop of a hat, my cupboards and fridge generally have the essentials in stock, which I top up seemingly effortlessly.

So we can check that cereal box.

What about my weaknesses, though?

Well, recently I’ve been struggling to put together what is effectively a slide presentation about the app I’m currently developing.

I’ve collected some of its content, but something is stopping me sitting down to actually do the work.

If it’s helpful – and it was to me – I recently thought about barriers and motivations in terms of my own resourcefulness.

A barrier is something that stops you finding a way to overcome a challenge, while a motivation is the carrot that drives you to action.

Like so many aspects of life, I think it’s all about balance.

There will always be barriers, just as there will always be motivations, but action only becomes relatively frictionless when one considerably outweighs the other.

I think my ease with grocery shopping is relatively easy to explain.

I enjoy food, and also like knowing I can provide it to someone who visits: so there’s my motivation.

The supposed barrier (remembering to go shopping, and actually doing it) is trivial in comparison.

My reluctance to tackle this slide presentation, however, is harder to get my head around.

The motivation seems reasonably straightforward.

When I have a presentation about the app’s potential, I can use it to persuade others to back it, hopefully, or work with me.

And this would be good.

What causes me to scratch my head, though, is when it comes to identifying the barriers.

It’s difficult for me to even think about this (let alone actually write about it, as I’m doing right now) but it’s possible I’m aware that when I finish the presentation I’m actually going to have to, you know, show it to someone.

Eek.

And I think I’ve somehow got it into my subconscious that this ill-defined someone will be scary, intimidating, and hostile.

This is, of course, a catastrophically negative way for me to view things, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there may be more than a grain of truth to it.

So here’s what I’ve thought of doing.

In order to address this barrier, maybe I can reframe my motivation?

Instead of worrying about presenting my document to Elon Musk (just kidding, of course) how about agreeing with myself that I’ll share it with someone who could be helpful without also making me feel like Daniel in the lion’s den, or Lionel in the Dragon’s Den.

I could also commit to a specific date and time to share it.

To me (and only just now) this seems like it would be a useful strategy.

So, that’s me sorted out, then. Well, hopefully.

More importantly, maybe you’ll now identify a specific part of your own life, in which you’re not being quite as resourceful as you’d choose.

It could be helpful to begin by recognising a strength first, though, so you don’t get too disillusioned.

When you do focus on a specific weakness, one is a fine place to start – please don’t try to tackle your entire life in one complicated chunk.

Maybe have a think about what your real barrier is.

What’s truly stopping you achieving this action that you want, or need, to complete?

Once you have a clearer picture, it may be possible to create a new motivation, one that works better for you.

A simple example might be someone who wished to start going to the gym, but who identified that his barrier was being super self-conscious about feeling embarrassed and out of place when he went there (his imagination had told him that everyone else would be toned and trim, even though that’s almost certainly a misconception).

Resetting his motivation, however, might involve asking a friend if they’d join him on a long walk once a week, therefore combining exercise and good conversation, while also avoiding those imaginary lycra-clad gym bunnies.

Making the most of your life means managing your life (better).

How could you start making that happen?

Right, I think it’s time for me to ask the person who isn’t Elon Musk if he’ll agree to become my Mr. Motivator.

Whose life is it anyway?

Before we go anywhere today, I’d like you to pause for a minute or two.

Think back to a time in your life when you remember others having expectations of you.

Perhaps you felt they expected you to settle down and have a family?

Or maybe you can recall certain people expecting you to pursue some particular line of work?

Please just take a moment to recall whether you experienced any of these kinds of expectations.

If you did – what were they? Who held them?

+ + + + + + +

Okay, we’re back.

Maybe you recalled a specific incidence of doing something (or not doing it) largely because of perceived pressure from other people.

I know I do, and I have a theory that talking through my own situation might help cast some light on your own circumstances.

Almost exactly 39 years ago (it was August 7th, 1979) I returned home to the UK after a fabulously exciting and enriching year, living and studying in California.

I’d won a scholarship from Rotary International. It covered the costs of spending a year at art school, after I’d graduated with a science degree in the UK.

And what a brilliant year that was.

I took every class I could – graphic design, printmaking, video production, jewellery design, woodworking – you name it, I signed up for it.

Then, to cap it all, I spent the last few months of my visa’s duration working for a travelling funfair (a carnival, they call it in the US) experiencing the many delights of rural Northern California, while also picking up the down and dirty basics of selling as I ran my own sideshow.

In my video class, we programmed an early personal computer (a TRS-80) and I’ve since realised I lived less than 25 miles from where the two Steves, Jobs and Wozniak, were just starting Apple Computer, a business that 39 years later is worth a trillion dollars.

I was living in a part of the world with huge potential, in so many ways.

Leaving California was a wrench but – well – my visa had expired, plus the Rotary people had asked that I visit some of their clubs back in Britain to talk about my experiences.

I was of course excited to see family and friends when I got back, and for a while I carried my California experience with me, although, along with my suntan it soon began to fade.

Please don’t get me wrong. I know I lived a full, and rich life back in the UK, with jobs in advertising, and the challenging fun of starting and running a London ad agency myself. I’m grateful.

But, as I’ve documented elsewhere, for 30 years I also struggled with depression, severe at times, not even asking for help until I was 50.

When I’ve talked with my Mum about my battles, she’s fairly sure that I began having these emotional health problems when I got back to the UK from California, at the age of 22.

Now, who knows if I might have been less affected if I’d stayed in the USA? Impossible to know, now.

It’s interesting, however, to reflect a little on why I didn’t.

In the thoughts I gathered before writing for you today, I noted that settling down back in the UK was probably what was expected of me, but I then added an “I felt” – “I think *I felt* that it was expected of me.”

Next, I asked myself three questions, and I’d encourage you to do the same about a perhaps parallel time in your own life:

1. Who do you believe expected a particular behaviour/decision from you?

2. Can you be absolutely certain that they really did expect it, or might you have jumped to a somewhat false conclusion? Did you maybe just think they expected it?

3. Lastly, if it actually was true that others genuinely did expect things of you, how much did that really matter?

In my own case, the people at Rotary did indeed expect me to return to the UK, but the truth is that my responsibilities to them were pretty much wrapped-up after just six months of talks at lunches, dinners, and conferences.

What about other people? Did they expect me to return to the UK?

Well, it’s not easy to know.

It would be nice to think that some had hoped I’d be back, but with the benefit of hindsight, I’m not sure any necessarily expected it.

To be honest, most would simply have wanted the best for me, hoping I’d do whatever was going to work for me.

For many years, though, I believe I laboured under the illusion that I was somehow doing what was expected of me.

But here’s the thing.

Not only was I probably wrong, it might well have played some part in over 30 years of on-and-off depression.

My study of psychological well-being now makes clear to me how important it is to – as far as possible – independently determine your own direction in life.

I don’t think this means taking a completely selfish selfish approach to living, nor of course that you should cast others aside.

But I’m totally certain it does mean avoiding situations in which you become “locked in,” solely because of what you perceive as others’ expectations – expectations which may in any case be entirely imaginary.

I’m sorry this hasn’t been one of my more light-hearted posts, and please let me reassure you that this isn’t in any way because I’m not feeling light of heart.

I am.

And, of course, five years ago I did eventually return to live in California, which is working out pretty well actually.

(It only took me 34 years.)

This subject, however, does seem sufficiently important and serious not to make jokes about.

I encourage you, therefore, to think a little on this matter in the next few days, please, maybe asking yourself those three questions above.

I know I, and other readers, would love to hear about any reflections they may lead you to have.

Thank you.

Put a little purpose in your step today.

Come on now, I wasn’t exactly dawdling this morning, in fact it felt as though I was walking rather briskly.

But the truth is, I was a mere tortoise in comparison to the hare who zoomed past me.

A tall gentleman, he was accompanied by no fewer than three dogs.

Although all were of different breeds, it was clear that none had exactly been blessed in the leg-length department, so somewhat comically they all raced along at the heel of their human, doing their level best to keep up with him.

Having just completed a month of dog-sitting for a Stanford friend myself, I empathised with this guy.

My guess was that he was exercising the animals before heading off to work – probably to do something important on the Stanford campus – so recognised that it was better for all concerned if he put some pep in his step.

Fail to do so, and you risk your dog(s) getting distracted by just about everything and anything.

Did someone say Squirrel?

It got me thinking about the way in which having a sense of life purpose makes a profound impact on our psychological well-being.

And as the researchers Ryff and Keyes showed in 1995, what they termed “eudaimonic living” (living a life that’s intentionally underpinned by six key aspects of psychological well-being) can actually boost physiological, as well as psychological, health.

Among other benefits it can strengthen your immune system, for example.

The thing is, though, I don’t think this sense of life purpose must necessarily be one huge, overarching mission.

It doesn’t mean you have to become a Buddhist monk or devote your whole life to mastering the ukelele.

I believe, instead, that we all benefit when we live our lives purposefully.

The man who raced past me this morning was almost certainly not a professional dog walker, nor, unless he’d left his robes at home, was he a Buddhist monk.

Frankly I saw no sign of a ukelele, either.

It was, however, clear that he was approaching his morning purposefully – maybe before getting down to his other, hopefully purpose-driven, work.

We all have days, sometimes months, when it may feel we’ve temporarily lost our sense of purpose, and when this happens it’s probably not sensible to hope that we’ll somehow find some giant sense of direction and meaning, when it’s taking every ounce of our energy to just get out of bed in the morning.

Better by far, perhaps, to aim to act more purposefully in daily activities, even little ones.

Taking a shower, for example, could be a humdrum routine.

Or you could approach it with a renewed sense of purpose.

Pop a towel in the tumble dryer so it’s warm and fluffy when you need it.

Take a radio into the bathroom to enjoy Handel’s Water Music, while you lather up with the scented shower gel that’s at the back of the cupboard.

Relish the sensation of drying your skin afterwards, taking a few seconds longer than might be strictly necessary.

Of course it’s fantastic if you do have some kind of mega-mission driving your life.

But I’m certain that adding a sense of purpose to normal, everyday tasks can be almost as good for us.

And of course it can be contagious, spreading ripple-like to those around us, and motivating us still further.

Just ask those low-slung doggies.

Don’t mention the war

“Don’t mention the war.”

In the sixth episode of the brilliant BBC sitcom Fawlty Towers, John Cleese (as Basil Fawlty) famously warned Polly to steer clear of war-talk when serving two German couples in the hotel’s dining room.

“I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it,” a concussed and head-bandaged Fawlty assured her.

Of course, in the years since the episode first aired in 1975, “Don’t mention the war” has become a popular phrase to use in the UK when we want to avoid discussing some awkward issue or other.

And, to some extent, that was the underlying thought behind the research I asked for help with last weekend.

I wanted to know how comfortable – or not – people would be telling others that they suffered from some kind of emotional well-being setback.

I was also interested in learning whether there’s a measurable difference between talking about such matters to friends, and to other people in general.

Maybe you’ll agree with me that it seems likely we’d tell people we trust about sensitive issues more readily, than individuals we don’t know so well.

But it’s always important to explore whether such “common-sense” suppositions actually hold water.

As ever, our readers blew me away with their generosity in completing the questionnaire.

Over 270 people kindly took part, so a huge thanks if you were one of these (the survey was anonymous, of course.)

The questions asked if people would be comfortable talking to (a) friends, and (b) people in general, about experiencing these possible conditions: anxiety, demoralisation, depression, losing one’s fighting spirit, morale being low, having a mental health problem, and experiencing low resilience.

I also included having sleeping problems as a kind of yardstick, suspecting there would probably be less perceived stigma around insomnia than there would be around depression.

The full results are shown here:

Allow me to walk us through some of the main highlights.

At the extreme “Don’t mention the war” end of the spectrum, people are clearly wary about talking about being depressed or having a mental health problem.

In fact, only around half of the respondents said they’d even tell their friends about this, and over two-thirds wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to *anyone* about such conditions.

To place these statistics in context, almost 90% of people would be happy to let friends know if they were experiencing sleep problems, and nearly as many would also be comfortable sharing such information with just about anyone.

When you think about it, this is fascinating, since sleep disorders often accompany mental health problems. Indeed, one of the items in an often-used clinical depression test (the PHQ-9) asks how often you’ve been bothered either by trouble falling asleep or sleeping too much over the previous two weeks.

It’s clearly easier for most to talk about sleep problems than it is to open up about feeling depressed.

While I don’t think it was too surprising to learn that talking about sleeplessness is fairly easy, it was more unexpected to witness the relative comfort that people seem to have in talking about anxiety.

62% would tell friends if they were anxious, compared to 55% who would admit to feeling depressed.

It seems there’s less perceived stigma about anxiety than there is about depression, and I guess this does make a degree of sense.

Perhaps it’s because we may believe our anxiety is caused by something outside ourselves (over which we have no control) whereas it could be more common to think that depression seems to come more from within ourselves?

(By the way, although I always felt my own depression generally started within me, as time has gone by, I now believe it was more often than not “situational.” I generally felt low during times in which I was living in relatively difficult and challenging circumstances.)

Be that as it may, one of my motives for running this research was to better understand some of the stigma around psychological well-being.

As some Moodnudgers know, I’m working on a tool (an app, specifically) that could be used by individuals in the workplace who’d like to maintain their well-being.

When you do something like this, I think it helps if you can explain what your “product” is designed to beat.

If you’re selling an aspirin, you say it beats headaches.

If you’re selling a mower, you say it beats having long grass.

Right?

Because of the stigma around mental health, however, I really do think people might be wary of engaging with something that appears to be designed to prevent depression.

Maybe it makes more sense to talk about using it to avoid tiredness, fatigue, and burnout in the workplace, therefore?

Something designed, instead, to boost energy?

Thank you. You’ve really given me a lot of food for thought. In return, the very least I can do is leave you with a link to two minutes of pure comedy gold from Fawlty Towers:

Incidentally, just in case this feels a bit culturally insensitive of me, when Fawlty Towers was shown in Germany, not only was the whole series widely enjoyed, this episode – “The Germans” – was one of the most popular.

In other words… self-acceptance

S, the first letter of S.P.I.R.I.T. stands for self-acceptance, which is all about… well, here’s how a constellation of bright people have explained it.

If one of them chimes with you, why not make a note of it and keep it somewhere close to hand?

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“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”

Diane von Fürstenberg, the Belgian-American fashion designer best known for her wrap dress

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“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”

Amy Bloom, the American writer and psychotherapist

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“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”

Marilyn Monroe, famous for being, well, Marilyn Monroe

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“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Sharon Salzberg, best-selling author and Buddhist meditation teacher

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“You have peace,” the old woman said, “when you make it with yourself.”

Mitch Albom, author of Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven

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“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward.”

Roy T. Bennett, American politician

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“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

Lucille Ball, American actress and comedian

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“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”

Rupi Kaur, Indian born Canadian poet, writer, illustrator, and performer

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“Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”

Eleanor Roosevelt, longest serving First Lady of the United States, from 1933 to 1945

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“It’s your race, and yours alone. Others may run it with you, but no one can run it for you.”

Snoopy, Beagle, Peanuts